What have I done with my life?

Today has been a rather depressing day.  I've been listening to audiobooks a lot at work and have recently realized that I haven't been much of an influence in the world.  I don't think I'm a very big influence in my kids' world.  I look around my house and don't even think I'm a very big influence in my own world.  How in the world do people make time to be an influence and still work, feed their families, take care of their homes, and teach their children?  I can barely stay on top of the bare minimum around here.  I keep thinking "In a few years when (Dale gets a new job, we make more money, we live closer to family, the kids get older and more responsible, I get more organized, I can stay at home,--fill in the blank) I'll be able to do the things I need to do AND the things I want to do."  Here I am, almost fifteen years into marriage and fourteen into motherhood and I feel more behind than ever and those 'ifs and whens' are still haunting me.  I have this feeling that I need to do something.  I just don't know what that something is.  I hate this feeling.  I feel like a failure.   Well, my room is a disaster and I've wasted fifteen minutes crying over my lack of progress in my life, so I better get up and clean.  "In a few years, when ________ I will have a clean house and I'll be someone and do something important."  For now, I guess I'll start with a clean room.

Just for me (and anyone else who cares what I think, I guess)

I do so horribly at writing in a journal, but I feel this inexplicable need to write, so I'm going to try blogging as my journal.  How is this different from my other blog, you may ask?  Well, my other blog is about my family, with pictures and memories, mostly for relatives and friends to see what we're up to.  This blog will be mostly writing so I can get my thoughts on (figurative) paper.  I'm not going to be advertising the existence of this blog, so if you've stumbled upon it, go ahead and read. 

Well, my thoughts today keep going back to my kids and how I can spend more time with them.  I look at pictures of them when they were little and realize that I don't have many more years before they move out and leave me forever!  Kydee is starting to spend more time with friends--a trend I only see growing over the next several years.  Dalan is not my little boy anymore and sometimes I wonder if it's too late to connect with him, to tell him that I love him and really have him believe me.  He's had some hard times in his life that I hope make him better, not bitter.  Elora's on the edge of wanting to be at home and do things with me and wanting to be with her friends.  She has such a warm and creative spirit, but sometimes she hides part of herself to be like her friends.  How do I teach her to not be afraid to stand up and stand out?  Elias will be starting kindergarten in the fall and I'm not ready for my baby boy to be away for that long.  I'm worried that he's not ready for that, either.  He really is a momma's boy and I'm okay with that, most of the time.  I hope that he carries his confidence and comedy with him through school. 

It's hard for a mom to let go of her children and let them swim alone in the ocean of independence.  I hope I have taught them and loved them enough to be successful and happy.  I hope that I can keep finding the little moments of connection, instead of being too tired, too busy, or too self-absorbed to just be in the moment with them.  How many moments will I have before they are too busy, too self-absorbed, or too involved with their friends to be in the moment with me?  How many moments have I already passed by, thinking "I'll do it later" or "I don't have time for that" or "It's not that important"? 

So, my big quandary of late is how do I live in the moment and still get dinner on the table and clean clothes in the dresser?  Is it possible to plan spontaneity or is it something that you have to seize before it disappears into the sands of time? 

I read a book recently about making better decisions, called Decisive.  It mostly focused on making better business decisions, but the authors also related ways their ideas could apply to personal decisions, too.  Two of the things they suggested was one: to zoom in on the problem/question/situation, and two: to step back away from the situation.  Zooming in means looking at the details and discovering something that you may not see until you're closer.  Stepping back allows you to "see the big picture" and how this problem connects to other things and to see it's significance over time.  Both of these changes in perspective allow you to see things differently.  I decided that I need to do that more with my children.  It's good to see the details--to notice if they're having a really horrible or truly terrific day and find out why that is.  It's also good to step back and realize that the spilled maple syrup or the torn pants won't really matter in a week or a year from now, so it's not worth getting so angry.  It's good to step back and see that the little moments over time paint a picture of my relationships, and if I miss those seemingly unimportant times, the picture won't be pretty or may even be non-existent. 

The good news is that I can start now to find and create daily magical moments.  My kids deserve it, and so do I.  I just hope I remember to do it.